a social skill disaster

Saturday Night Live use to have a skit featuring a women who had something negative to say about everything. (the video will start after a short commercial, sorry I couldn't find a clip without a commercial...)



Have you ever spent time with a "Debbie Downer?" You know, the type of person that has something negative to say about everything? If the answer yes, let me ask a few questions:

Did you enjoy your time with that person?

Did you find it enjoyable or meaningful?

Or did you end up feeling worn out and drained of energy after the time spent?

Have you ever been guilty of being a Debbie Downer?

How do you think this impacts your relationships?

how to talk to people

Being able to have a conversation with someone is an important social skill. Making small talk is important in getting to know someone, and networking with people can be important for making friends, social contacts, and for your career.

Here are some basic tips on how to start and have a great conversation:

1. Be genuinely interested in the person. Having a good conversation includes being interested in what the other person has to say. Show interest by positive eye contact, body posture, and facial expressions.

2. Consider starting with a compliment. Complimenting someone helps to break the ice with them, just make sure it is something you can be genuine about - otherwise it comes across as flattery. You might think they have great style or a cool bag, whatever it is compliment them and then ask a follow up question about it.

3. Ask good questions that require more than a yes or no answer. It's best not to start off with anything too personal. What are they interested in? What do they like to do for fun? Start out talking about basic facts of their life and their interests before launching into anything too in depth.

4. Listen. Show you are listening with your body posture. You might want to summarize what they said using active listening skills or even ask clarifying questions. All these things show you are listening and interested in the person. Don't interrupt the person or stop them mid-sentence.

5. Reciprocate by talking about yourself if the person is listening and appears interested. Just be careful not to talk about yourself too much or your many accomplishments. This can feel like you are talking more for yourself than for the sake of a conversation and it can make you appear insecure. If the person starts backing away or looking around a lot it might be a sign that they are less interested in the conversation.

There are some great websites out there with great information to help improve social skills and making friends. One I particularly like is called succeedsocially.com and the tagline is "free advice from a former shy awkward guy." I got the following questions from his website.

People who have trouble with conversations often have trouble in these areas. Ask yourself:

• Is there anything about your personality or attitude that could use a tune-up?
• Could you improve the impression you give off to other people, perhaps by improving your look?
• Are you so socially inexperienced that you're uncomfortable and unfamiliar with most types of people?
• Are you so socially inexperienced that you're too lacking in commonalities with most people in terms of implicitly shared knowledge, life experiences, and what not?
• Could you benefit from knowing more things, or a wider range of things, or having more life experience, so you'd have more to talk about?

positive body language

Up to 93% of communication is non-verbal. You might forget just how helpful these little behaviors really are in helping you get along socially:

1. Smile - smiling is a great way to show friendliness and openness to relationships.

2. Make eye contact - this allows you to seem approachable and confident.

3. Stand up straight with your head up - slouching or keeping your head down can communicate insecurity or not being open to relationships (but do relax your shoulders as this helps keep away tension).

4. Move slowly and be aware of nervous habits - avoid fidgeting or moving too fast as this again detracts from confidence.

5. Pay attention to your appearance - it's not necessary to be obsessed about appearance, but a little grooming goes a long way. Take care of all your grooming basics and wear clothes that fit you well and you feel confident and good about yourself in.

6. Be aware of personal space - stand about an arm's distance away from someone when talking with them. You don't want to be known as a "close talker" who invade someone's body space.

how to succeed SOCIALLY

Do you ever feel anxious in social situations?

Or maybe you feel awkward with new people and have a hard time knowing how to have conversations?

I know that I have often wondered if I'm going to be able to have any interesting conversations with folks. Social skills is something that comes naturally to some people. Yet, for others, it's not quite that easy.

You see, getting along socially is a SKILL.

Sure, it says it in the name - Social Skills - but like many other things in life people don't realize that is possible to learn the skill of how to get along with people.

This week I am going to discuss developing successful social skills. You might be someone who

-realizes this is an area that needs work,
-has a child that needs work in this area,
-or you might feel confident in social skills,

just remember we all have things we can learn to get along better with folks.

interesting thoughts on beauty

I've never seen a smiling face that was not beautiful. ~Author Unknown

Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart. ~Kahlil Gibran

That which is striking and beautiful is not always good, but that which is good is always beautiful. ~Ninon de L'Enclos

It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness. ~Leo Tolstoy

A woman who cannot be ugly is not beautiful. ~Karl Kraus

Taking joy in living is a woman's best cosmetic. ~Rosalind Russell

Beauty isn't worth thinking about; what's important is your mind. You don't want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head. ~Garrison Keillor

beauty and image vs the most important things

After reflecting on my previous post regarding young girls spending millions on beauty products I have found myself asking some questions. You see, although I'm a critical viewer of media I too am influenced by the focus on outer appearances.

In our society we are judged by our appearance. The popular show what not to wear will tell you if you don't have fashionable clothes that fit well you will not be taken seriously in your workplace. And in today's society that is probably true.

So I am left asking what is the balance between taking care of your body and image, and focusing on the most important things?

children BUYING beauty

In our current society the value of good character has been replaced by the importance of image and beauty.

There was an article in Newsweek a while back called Generation Diva noting the trend of younger and younger girls using more and more beauty products and regiments. Here are some interesting quotes from the article:

"According to a NEWSWEEK examination of the most common beauty trends, by the time your 10-year-old is 50, she'll have spent nearly $300,000 on just her hair and face.

Eight- to 12-year-olds in this country already spend more than $40 million a month on beauty products, and teens spend another $100 million, according the NPD Group. This trend seems unaffected by the tanking economy: cosmetic surgery procedures dipped slightly last year, but cosmetics sales have increased between 1 and 46 percent, depending on the product, according to the Nielsen Co.

New statistics from the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery show that cosmetic- surgery procedures performed on those 18 and younger have nearly doubled over the past decade.

A lifetime of manis and pedis could cover four years at a public university; hair and face treatments would pay for a private college."

I'm not sure what your stance is on young women and beauty products (or even older women and beauty procedures), but I continue to be concerned that our society's main focus for girls is appearance. I recently read all of the works of Jane Austen and there is a striking difference between the heroines of Austen and the heroines in today's stories. Notably, Austen's famous characters are consumed with good character, while the girls in today's stories seem to be consumed with outward appearances.

This is of course, no accident. We live in a consumer driven economy, and young women are being marketed to with an increasingly greater vengeance. Yet I keep asking myself....

"Is this the legacy that we want young women to aspire to? Endless physical beauty?"