the HUGE importance of friendship

I just read the UCLA Study on Friendship Among Women.

Wow. I know I already knew this, but friendships are so important!
"Study after study has found that social ties reduce our risk of disease by lowering blood pressure, heart rate, and cholesterol. There's no doubt, says Dr. Klein, that friends are helping us live longer.

In one study, for example, researchers found that people who had no friends increased their risk of death over a 6-month period. In another study, those who had the most friends over a 9-year period cut their risk of death by more than 60%.

The researchers concluded, that not having close friends or confidants was as detrimental to your health as smoking or carrying extra weight...

Yet if friends counter the stress that seems to swallow up so much of our life these days, if they keep us healthy and even add years to our lives,

why is it so hard to find time to be with them?"

For the full article click here.

the secret ingredient for a better marriage

I read a great blog post today about spicing up your marriage by changing your routine.

I love some of the suggestions given in the list such as number 5: Ask your spouse out on a date. Actually call them up. Ask them out. Dress for a date. Show up at the front door. Bring flowers. Hold the door for them. Who knows where this idea could lead.

Nice.

Anyway, you might want to check out the author's website at simplemarriage.net or the full article at zenhabits.net.

help yourself now with the basics of positive mental health

When folks come to see me for problems with depression and anxiety I usually recommend some very basic things that help with mood and mental health.

Here's my list of the basics of good health and taking care of oneself:

**As much as possible try to get up in the morning and go to bed in the evening at the same time every day (erratic sleeping can greatly affect mood and mental health)

**Get some moderate exercise daily - even if it's just a fifteen minute walk around the block

**Spend time outside getting some fresh air and especially sunshine (try to get around ten minutes of sunshine daily)

**Eat nourishing nutritious food - focus on lots of fruits and veggies and limit trans fats and processed foods (but try not to obsess about it)

**Drink lots of water and limit caffeine and alcohol

**take an omega 3 supplement such as fish oil or flax oil (research has shown the benefits of these on your brain and mood) or make sure you get enough omega 3s in your diet

**resist the temptation to isolate yourself - spend time with your friends and family on a regular basis

Doing these basics of self care may not solve your problems or difficulties, but they will definitely help your mental health. And you might be surprised at how much these little things will add up to you feeling better sooner.

For further information check out this article on tips for positive mental health.

Are you following these basics of good health?
If not, what is preventing you from taking care of yourself in this way?

Give LIFE to your teen

I get regular e-mail updates from Gary Chapman (author of the 5 love languages).

Considering what I said recently on focusing on the good with teens I found this to be too good not to pass on....

Look for ways to encourage your teen. Praise them for their efforts, not for perfection. "I appreciate the time you spent mowing the grass." Is far better than "You didn't get the grass in the corner."

Try affirming your teen in the presence of the rest of the family. "I want everyone to know that I'm proud of Brad and what he did last night. He is an example for all of us." The teen will remember these words long after you have forgotten them. Affirming words give life to your teenager. Find your teen doing something good and praise him.

more thoughts on forgiveness

We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Forgiveness is choosing to love. It is the first skill of self-giving love. Gandhi

Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves. Sidney and Suzanne Simmon

Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were. Cherie Carter-Scott

The man who opts for revenge should dig two graves. Chinese proverb

Peace is not possible without forgiveness. Naomi Drew

how to forgive

As I mentioned in the previous post, sometimes a person wants to forgive but doesn't know where to start. As I stated, I think the first step is to ask God to teach us how to forgive and to open our hearts to forgive. There are further steps you can take on the path to forgiveness.

While looking for information on forgiveness I also came across this great article on forgiveness. The article discusses expressing yourself, finding the positive, cultivating empathy, protecting yourself from further harm and moving on, and getting help if you need it.

I find that one of the most powerful steps to forgiveness is choosing to have empathy.

"Instead of seeing them as ‘the enemy,’ try to understand the factors that they were dealing with. Were they going through a particularly difficult time in their lives? Have you ever made similar mistakes? Try to remember the other person’s good qualities, assume that their motives were not to purposely cause you pain (unless you have clear indicators otherwise), and you may find it easier to forgive." (for the full article click here)

In teaching conflict resolution skills with couples one of the most important steps is having empathy for the other person and attempting to view things from their perspective. We all come at life from different viewpoints, and putting yourself in another person's shoes helps to understand and begin forgiveness.

What steps have you found helpful in the journey of forgiveness?

teach me to forgive

I heard this song on the radio today. It's an old song. I've heard it many times. But it made me cry. I think these words are so powerful:

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do. And I've hurt myself by hurting you.

It's so true. We do hurt ourselves when we hurt others or refuse to forgive them. Bitterness eats away at the soul and hurts our physical, mental, relational and spiritual health. The opposite is also true: when we forgive we are better off in all aspects of life.

I think often times we want to forgive. We don't want to hold on to old hurts and blame others. Yet, it can be hard to know where to start. Sometimes we don't feel like we have the strength to let go of deep wounds.

And maybe we don't.

At times I think the only thing we can do is ask God for the strength to let go. Sometimes it is the simple cry in prayer: God, teach me to forgive.

the power in acceptance

Do you have someone you know loves you? Someone you know will accept you no matter what happens or what you go through? A person you know will care for you through thick and thin?

LOVE of this kind is powerful.

Knowing you are accepted and valued changes the way you think about yourself and your life.

[In fact, I was taught in training to become a therapist that the most important part of the counselor relationship is to have positive regard for your clients. There is nothing more healing than unconditional acceptance.]

I think we humans crave that type of love. We long to know that we are cherished not just for what we do and can give to others.

I think this is what makes the story of the gospel so powerful: Because of Jesus, God the Creator loves us and accepts us. And as demonstrated through the story of the prodigal son, God is waiting for us with a willing heart regardless of our poor choices.

I've been asking God to give me that kind of love for the people in my life.

So I am wondering (if you have experienced it) how has unconditional acceptance changed your life?

pay attention to the good

I counsel a lot of teenagers. I see teenagers with behavior problems, depression, anxiety, self-injury, and other difficulties.

Despite whatever their problem may be, I see many teens that believe they will never be able to please their parents. They feel like they can never be good enough. And so, after a while, many teens simply quit trying.

Here's a reminder for us all: Remember to focus on all the things your teens are doing RIGHT.

It's really easy to focus on problems while forgetting to acknowledge and encourage strengths (well, this happens in other relationships too!). I know I'm guilty of this.

Today I'm reminding myself to encourage all the good things about the folks in my life. If you have teens, please take the time to praise their efforts. I know that it means a lot.

advertising infidelity

I recently saw a television commercial for a dating website* specifically for married people looking to have affairs. Their motto is -

"Life is Short. Have an Affair."

Wow.

This is some more marketing from their site:

"Are you Married but Looking? Feeling neglected and in need of some excitement? You came to the right place."

Apparently this dating service has been featured on Oprah, Larry King, FOX News, 20/20, Ellen DeGeneres, and Dr. Phil so you may have already heard about it. They also have a number of billboards advertising their services.

At first I was surprised about an advertisement for an affair. But after I thought about it I just felt sad. The website brags on having over 3,585,000 members. I think of all the hurt, lies, and broken promises in those marriages. I think about the children who I know are impacted by their parent's broken relationship.

I am wondering what this says about the value of commitment in our society. And I wonder what underlying impact an advertisement encouraging infidelity will have on our mindset.

So I am going to encourage the opposite:
Life is short. Don't waste time on things you will regret.

If you're feeling neglected or in need of excitement work on your relationship with your spouse. And if you're stuck then seek out help. I've seen many couples go from being on the verge of separation to being highly satisfied in their relationship. An affair is not the answer.

*I'm not citing the name of the company or website because I don't want to give them any additional advertising. Also, if you don't like seeing an ad for affairs consider contacting the network you saw the ad on. A major network said they chose not to pull the ads because they had no customer complaints.