must see documentary on American beauty

The following trailer is for a movie called "America the Beautiful."



Obviously, I really look forward to seeing this movie. I'm so glad to see that more folks are talking about our American obsession with physical appearance...

Help spread the word and check out more at the official site - americathebeautifuldoc.com

learning the art of listening

Being heard and understood is one the main needs we all have as humans.

I honestly believe that if folks would really listen to one another with empathy then my job as a counselor would be much less busy.

Some folks believe they "just aren't good listeners" like it is a personality trait they don't have and never will. And true, some folks are naturally better at listening than others.

Still, listening is a skill you can learn... much like learning to swim, or dance, or brushing your teeth.

Here are some tips for learning the skill of listening:

1. The most important thing is to WANT to learn to listen and really hear others. Once you have the desire, you have the motivation to practice these skills.

2. Show you are listening through non-verbal messages.
Stopping what you were doing, giving eye contact, and leaning forward are all ways you can show you are listening. You might also try nodding to show you hear the other person.

3. Validate the person to let them know you heard them.
This can be done by rephrasing what the person said and getting to the heart of the message. You might simply say how the person is feeling: "you feel frustrated with work" of "I can see how excited you are!"

4. Give and show empathy by “putting yourself in their shoes.”
A lot of people listen without really hearing the message or understanding the person. Try to see things from the other person's perspective.

5. Show that you understand.
Don’t rush in to talk about yourself. “I am really busy right now too…”
Don’t rush into questions. Remember that there is a time for giving answers and solutions but only AFTER the person feels understood.

in honor of one year of blogging....

I thought it timely to repost one of my most popular posts from the past year. I found this very helpful article on findingoptimism.com which is a wonderful site written by someone coping with bipolar.

Things to Say to Someone With Depression

1. Be On Their Side

* The depressed person will often be defensive, so an accusatory tone is not helpful. Try to convey a sense of understanding. It isn’t helpful to say “Why can’t you just get out of bed?” Instead try “You seem to have trouble getting out of bed in the mornings. What can I do to help you in this area?”

* The person may have lost perspective on how big a problem actually is. They will find it hard to hear that what is insurmountable for them is actually not such a big deal. It is unhelpful to say “What’s your problem? You’re upset about nothing.” Instead try “You seem to be finding this issue a big deal at the moment. Can we solve it together?"

2. Give Plenty of Reassurance

* Many people suffering with depression feel unworthy of being loved. You need to reassure them frequently. For example “I love you for who you are. I am not going to leave you.”

* In a similar vein, they may have lost the ability to recognize their positive attributes. You might reaffirm them with “You are a sensitive person who cares for others” or “People really love you a lot. They think you’re a great person.”

* If said repeatedly and with absolute sincerity then it is helpful to say “If you ever need a friend, I am here.”

3. Give Understanding and Sympathy

* People with depression can spend a lot of time ruminating on their situation and feeling sorry for themselves. Pointing it out to them is not helpful. Instead, try to sympathize.

* “I can’t imagine how hard it is for you, but you have all my sympathy.”

* “All I want to do is give you a hug and a shoulder to cry on.”

* “I can’t honestly say that I know how you feel, but I want to help in any way I can.”

4. Offer to Help

* “Let me do anything you need me to do to help.”

* If you ask “What is the best thing I can do to help you right now?” don’t be offended if the reply is “Leave me alone”. Sometimes, that is the most helpful thing you can do at present.

* Well meaning people often attempt to immediately fix the problem. “Have you tried aromatherapy? There was an article about it in the paper…” . This kind of comment can come across as trivializing the illness. If you want to introduce a treatment idea, make sure you are respectful about the seriousness of depression. “It’s important that you stay on your medication and keep seeing your doctor. I’ve found some information on aromatherapy. Would you like to look into it with me?”

* While it is important to accept the person in the state they are in, don’t let it totally consume your life. Otherwise, you’ll fall in a heap and won’t be much help to anyone. You need to take care of yourself. “I am committed to you and to helping you. But I also need to eat / shop / go out for coffee / ring a friend / see a movie to recharge my batteries. Then I can look after you better.”

For the full article click here.

link lovin'

It's about time I did some updating to my little list of blogs I like and such.

So if you would like to have me to link to your blog then just give me a comment here with your blog name and address and I'll make it happen.

friendships give great support

Friendship is one of the most important things to me.

"A faithful friend is the medicine of life." (Ec. 6:6)

I don't know how I would have gotten through certain troubling times in my life without the help of good friends (and family). I have weathered difficulty, illness, and stress only with the support of loving friends.

One of the things I often ask folks in counseling is about their support system. Having a good support system [good friends being a huge part] can get you through a difficult period and give you encouragement to adjust to trying circumstances.

Sometimes folks I encounter believe they don't need people. They might be afraid of being a burden, being seen as weak, fear being taken advantage of, think people really don't care about them, or they should be able to get through tough times on their own.

The truth is, we all need people. Humans were designed for relationships. It's what makes us thrive.

[Don't believe me? Babies who are not nurtured, touched, or cuddled will often become ill due to the lack of human contact. And don't forget the famous quote, "It's not good for man to be alone."]

So let's consider this a reminder to nurture our friendships.

Ask yourself:

What have I been doing to foster good friendships?

or

What can I do to facilitate close friendships?

For a great article on How to Make Friends click here.

churches trying to meet special needs

I read a great report today describing a church's inclusion of developmentally disabled folks in their church.

"'The Haven' is a ministry for members with developmental disabilities such as autism, Asperger's syndrome or other conditions that may make sitting through a typical church service difficult or impossible.

'It's better than everything else in my life,' said Alec Carlson, 15, who has Asperger's and joined 10 other people on a multicolored mat during the Scripture lesson."

The story [on Beliefnet] goes on to discuss how more and more churches are trying to include services for those with special needs.

Very cool.

Blogger Sabbatical

Just so ya know...

I will be out of town for the next week (most likely without internet service) so my posting will be spotty for the next week.

marriage best when friends

"It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages."
[Friedrich Nietzsche]

Being Good Friends is one of the foundations of a happy marriage.

Take the following quiz to assess how well you know your partner:

Answer True or False -

* I can name my partner's best friends.
* I know what stresses my partner currently faces.
* I know the names of those who have been irritating my partner lately.
* I know some of my partner's life dreams.
* I am very familiar with my partner's religious beliefs.
* I can outline my partner's basic philosophy of life.
* I can list the relatives my partner likes least.
* I know my partner's favorite music.
* I can list my partner's favorite three movies.
* I know the most stressful thing that happened to my partner in childhood.
* I can list my partner's major aspirations.
* I know what my partner would do if he/she won a million dollars.
* I can relate in detail my first impressions of my partner.
* I ask my partner about his/her world periodically.
* I feel my partner knows me fairly well.
[adapted from Gottman's book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work]

If you didn't do so well, make a plan now to get to know your spouse better and become better friends.

Thankful Thursday

In my continuing efforts to foster an attitude of gratitude here is my thankful list for the day:

puffy white clouds
butterflies
air conditioning!
lakes
time spent with my husband with no agenda
electric dryers
fresh fruit
puppies named Francine Green
restful sleep
funny tv shows
thought provoking new ideas
the ability to help someone
smiles
laughter
children
open sky
herb gardens
presents from loved ones
help around the house
home cooked meals
fresh Georgia peaches
time away from the grind
friendly strangers
Cranium
kinds words
positive feedback
warm showers
trees
crickets
soft t-shirts
back massages
R&R

some ER humour

In honor of the fact that I work in the ER (doing psych assessments) I thought this was fun -

parents influence body image

There is a new interview out in Oprah magazine and CNN.com asking 4 women about their parent's impact on their body image.

Margaret Cho (comedian) states, "My father ... one time when I was maybe 9 years old and dancing in ballet -- I loved it -- he said after a recital, "You're the fattest ballerina." It so destroyed me that I never wanted to dance again. He wanted to prepare me for a world that was not going to accept me because I think he experienced so much racism. He'd say, 'You're not pretty. And you're not going to be pretty.' I absolutely believed him."

Tiffany Jackson (professional basketball player)states, "I was always taller than everybody else. In the eighth grade, all the guys were shorter than me. My mom told me always walk with my head up, I'm beautiful. She gave me such positive messages when it came to my body. She'd tell me, 'Walk in the room like you own the room.' And then I'd complain, 'People are staring at me.' She'd say, 'No, you're beautiful. That's why they're looking at you.' I think after a while that just kind of stuck with me."

It's not a surprise that children are heavily impacted by their parent's statements and behaviors.

So my question is: What messages are you giving your children about their bodies?

boys better at math?

This has been in the news for a week or two now, but just in case you haven't heard:

Standardized tests in the U.S. indicate that girls now score just as well as boys in math. (sciencemag.org)

So I guess that's one more gender stereotype broken.

why I'm sad

My parents were visiting us from across the country for 2 weeks.

And now they are gone.

[By the way, they helped out around the house a TON. My mom says it is all part of a mother's job. I'm not sure about that, but I sure do appreciate it.]