Coping with GRIEF

We all will face grief at some point in our lives, if we haven't already. Tonight in small group we got to discussing grief. We decided there is no right way to grieve. (although I'm sure there are probably some wrong ways...) I did some thinking and researching on grief and found these ideas very helpful:

Helping yourself cope with grief and loss:

* Express your feelings in a tangible or creative way. Write about your loved one in a journal, or write the person a letter saying the things you never got to say. Create a scrapbook or artwork about the person; create an appropriate memorial in his or her honor (for example, if the person loved flowers, plant or fund a garden); get involved in a cause or organization that was important to him or her.
* Take care of yourself physically. Get enough sleep, eat sensibly, and engage in regular exercise. Do not use alcohol or drugs to numb the pain of grief or lift your mood artificially. (That may even apply to antidepressants meant to ease the sadness of grief; because grief, unlike depression, is not a disorder, masking the pain with meds may be less productive than working through the sadness.) Healthy habits will help you with grieving, but substance use will impede recovery and can lead to long-term dependence
* Don’t let other people tell you how to feel, and don’t tell yourself how to feel either. Your grief is your own, and no one else can tell you when it’s time to “move on” or “get over it.” At the same time, it’s okay to be angry at the person who died, to cry every day if you need to, to yell at the heavens without being embarrassed. Conversely, it’s okay to laugh, too. If watching the entire oeuvre of the Marx Brothers helps you heal, no one has the right to tell you it’s inappropriate.
* Plan ahead. Anniversaries, holidays, and milestones in life can be particularly challenging. Be prepared for an emotional wallop, and know that it’s completely normal. If you’re sharing a holiday or lifecycle event with other relatives, talk to them ahead of time about their expectations and agree on strategies to honor the person you loved.
(from helpguide.org)

For more information check out this website.

Who Are You?

It seems like most bloggers eventually have to ask themselves, "who is actually reading these random mind wanderings of mine?" And this is my turn to ask.

So, this is your chance. If you ever read this blog then PUULEEEEEEASE answer the following questions:

---who are you
---where are you from
---some fun interesting detail about yourself

Even if you know that I know who you are still fill this out as it makes it oh so much fun for everyone else.

:)proceed to comment below....

bangs

Thought you might enjoy seeing some awkward-self-taken-weird-flash-bathroom pics of me with my new bangs. In these photos I am displaying the side-swept bang. But no worries I can also sport the long eyebrow bangs.

What this has to do with counseling or ministry, that's for you to figure out...

more on the myers-briggs

Anyone who knows me well knows how much I LOVE the Myers Briggs Personality Assessment. There is so much you can learn about your friend, your spouse, your child, parent, colleague, boss, etc. by reviewing their Myers Briggs assessment. And there are tons of free resources online. All you have to do is fill out a quick assessment and then plug in the letters into Google and voila! Tons of info on that type!

Here's an example:

How to Love an ENFJ

* Encourage me to express my feelings and opinions.

* Share your own reactions and emotions with me.

* Tell me how much you love me and appreciate all the ways I enrich your life.

* Make the effort to really get to know and understand my philosophical nature.

* Try to keep our home orderly.

* Above all - support my feelings and work to restore harmony between us quickly.

For review here's where you can take the Myers Briggs for free.

a little fun for a bleh mood

"when I look at you, I get more ideas"

"I hope things will be fine."

If you haven't checked out explodingdog.com you are missing out on some good net times. Click here for the fun.

a dent in Self-Discipline

I have never been that great at self-discipline. In college this was specially true. I would study when I felt like it. which I sometimes did. Other times I would say, "I'm not in the mood to study." And so I would not. Often times I was in the mood for a date. But that's a different post for a different day. Anyhow, these sporadic mood-deciding study patterns left an impression on my GPA. There were semesters with straight As and semesters with, well, not straight As at all.

One eve of college I sitting with my roommate with the plan to study. We had our notes out and highlighted appropriately when I said to her, "I don't want to study. I'm just not in the mood." (I'm sure it was probably followed up with "I want to go out and have fun!" But then again a different story....) My wise roommate, who should have won the best roommate of all time award, told me something her mom used to tell her. She said,

"Sometimes you have to do something you don't want to do, simply because it is the right thing to do."

Such discernment and insight there was passed down from mother to daughter to me. And now I pass this wisdom on to not only my clients but now you blog reader.

I will repeat it just in case you missed it the first time.

"Sometimes you have to do something you don't want to do, simply because it is the right thing to do."

Hmmm. So true. Often now when I don't feel like doing something I remind myself of that little phrase. It hasn't cured my complete lack of self-discipline, but it sure has made a dent.

Agenda for tomorrow: exercise. simply because it is the right thing to do....

the ultimate Easter dinner... or something like that

So I cooked Easter dinner for some family today. I made lemon meringue and strawberry whipped cream pie as well as a spread of other goodness. Bonus: I had a true excuse to use the china that was my Grandmother's and the silver my parents gave us for a present. Nice.

The Beginning of the Dinner...


The Pies...


Some Fun...


And after the Dinner...


Can I Get Some?

happy Easter

For a fun history of Easter click here.

Practical Application of the WOO

[**Woo: People who are especially talented in the Woo theme love the challenge of meeting new people and winning them over. They derive satisfaction from breaking the ice and making a connection with another person.]

I was on a crisis call last night and knew the woman in crisis was in denial about the seriousness of her overdose. I walked in and "wooed" her into talking. The last thing she wanted was to go psychiatric inpatient - and I was the one sending her. She hugged me when I left...

Today I was in the grocery store buying up food for Easter dinner. I talked to a handful of people in the store and folks were joking around with me and laughing. I felt like I was connecting with the community. Sharing a small piece of joy...

Tonight I was at a small group dinner and bday party for one of the girls. We stayed up late laughing and chatting about all kinds of random stuff. We are all different women with different personalities. But we have a connection...

I feel happy and thought, "It feels really good to use one's strengths."

What could you do to really use your strengths?

The quick and dirty on helping depression:

MAKING GOOD CHOICES LEADS TO GOOD FEELINGS

Feeling a little down lately? Are you making good choices?

**obviously it's more complicated than that, but still...

the virtues of ANGER

I'm one of those rare people that believes anger is a GOOD thing. What? I know. Anger is an emotion that many folks (especially females) fear. We fear anger because we fear "losing control." I'm not an advocate of losing control or becoming aggressive, however I am a big advocate of:

listening to anger,

figuring out what it means,

and appropriately dealing with it.

For example, I believe all of our emotions are God given to us for a purpose. Anger is often a signal that there is a problem in our life that needs to be addressed. When you don't acknowledge your anger you might never take the steps necessary to resolve your problem. Anger is great because it is a motivator.

When you are angry stop and ask yourself, "why am I angry?" What is the problem? Often anger is about injustice, not getting your needs met, or having poor boundaries. Ask yourself, "What can I do to solve this problem?" And then allow your anger to motivate you to make necessary changes in your life.

It is very possible to be angry and still act respectful and loving. The Bible speaks often of God being angry. Jesus is often stated to be angry. So instead of being afraid of your anger and allowing it to build up until you really do explode, learn to listen to your anger early on.

"Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry—but don't use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don't stay angry. Don't go to bed angry. Don't give the Devil that kind of foothold in your life." Ephesians 4:26 (The Message)

If you want more help or insight into your anger a great resource is The Dance of Anger by Dr. Harriet Lerner.



**So what if your anger is about something that is out of your control? In that case it is a great time to realize you are not all powerful and learn to let go and give problems to God. (Easier said than done.)

I will say that I have encountered those that express anger inappropriately when they do not get their way. To those I say acknowledge your anger and practice allowing yourself to feel the anger without acting on it. You are learning delayed gratification and everyone will be very glad when you begin to master self control. Mature folks know you don't always get what you want.

I PASSED MY TEST!

So I came home and hugged Jeff while jumping up and down and then I did the "I passed my test" dance. He video taped it but I'm way too respectable to post it. :)

musing on application of relational strengths

After reviewing my strengths from strengthsfinder I've been thinking more about my needs for relationships. First of all, I usually work solo. Sure, I work with clients, but there is not a lot of teamwork in the practice. And the psychological crisis assessments I do require work with clients but not really anyone else. So, on the plus side I am working with people. On the down side I'm not working with a team... which I miss. My work with Matthew's Table does include some more teamwork and is still very relational and I think that is part of the reason I love it so much. Plus, "community groups coordinator" puts together so many of my strengths. A big yeah! I'm not really sure what to do about the lack of teamwork in the practice...

I am sure that I need more relationship time in general. When I do not make time regularly for friendships I start feeling a little down. Friendships fuel my tank THAT much. And even more so friends that I can have intellectual conversations with really gets my energy up. [Thank goodness one of Jeff's strengths is also intellection (see below for what that means).]

So I am working to be more proactive to spend time with my intellectual friends but also friends in general. Last night I picked up the phone and called a couple friends to have coffee. It was good times. That is step one for applying my strengths.

StrengthsFinder 2.0

StrengthsFinder is all about maximizing on the strengths you have naturally. The theory is that too many folks focus on their weaknesses instead of realizing their natural talent. Combining natural talent with hard work equals a strength. (One of the cool things about this book is that it gives you a code to take an online assessment of your strengths.)

According to StrengthsFinder here are my top five strengths:

**Connectedness: People who are especially talented in the Connectedness theme have faith in the links between all things. They believe there are few coincidences and that almost every event has a reason.

**Relator: People who are especially talented in the Relator theme enjoy close relationships with others. They find deep satisfaction in working hard with friends to achieve a goal.

**Woo: People who are especially talented in the Woo theme love the challenge of meeting new people and winning them over. They derive satisfaction from breaking the ice and making a connection with another person.

**Activator: People who are especially talented in the Activator theme can make things happen by turning thoughts into action. They are often impatient.

**Intellection: People who are especially talented in the Intellection theme are characterized by their intellectual activity. They are introspective and appreciate intellectual discussions.

I would love input from family and friends on what you make of these strengths of mine. Do you see these in me? Any ideas for how I could maximize my strengths with hard work?

Question to get you thinking

As a whole, how do you think the media portrays young women?
And why do you think the media chooses to portray women in any certain way?

American Teenage Girls

A new study was released today reporting that 1 in 4 American teenage girls has an STD. I see it as just one more problem that teen girls are dealing with in our current society - this as well as 1 in 4 being the victim of sexual abuse, 10 million women having eating disorders and most girls I know suffering from poor body image. (and remember that post I did on the rise of teen girl's suicide rate?)

As I tell the parents of my female teen clients: it's hard being an adolescent girl these days. This is not to say that I do not hold the girls responsible for their sexual choices. Rather, I'm saying it's much more than the individual. It's a socio-cultural issue.

It makes me very glad to be able to do my very small part in providing hope and help to families of teen girls through counseling.

What do you think we as a society could do to help teenage girls?

Be Proactive

I often hear someone say they are "waiting on God." Generally I say waiting on God is a good thing. We often must wait on God when in difficult circumstances... especially at times when things are out of our control. And that brings up my point. I've run into several folks lately who appear to be using the term "waiting on God" as an excuse to do nothing.

For example, if you need a new job why not turn in job applications, write a resume,or network with folks who might be able to connect you with a job? Or if you want to be in a relationship why not put yourself in places where you will meet people who are interesting or like minded? Instead I find myself talking with folks who say they are "waiting on God" when really it seems they are not taking responsibility for their lives. Being proactive is taking responsibility for yourself and recognizing your are capable of making choices to help yourself. I often teach my clients about the importance of being proactive and I have definitely benefited from the idea in my own life.

If you haven't been exposed to idea before it is definitely worthwhile to check out http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2004/11/be-proactive/
And let me know what you think!

so excited

Some of my friends are so chill. They just go with the flow. They're mellow. It's hard to tell if things are really great or really bad because there are no "reallys" for them. It just is what it is.

I am not one of these types.

I get enthusiastically excited about things and then dashingly disappointed (admit it. you like alliteration.) Lately I've been feeling pretty excited. And here's a sweet little list of things that I'm excited (and thankful) about:

**my small group. it's a group of around a dozen twenty-something women (except old me)that likes to keep it real. and loving.

**spring and longer days. since daylight savings time has come we are already seeing the sun more.

**my garden. i'm planning a vegetable garden for the spring with a good friend of mine. (by the way, she's one of the "chill" folks mentioned above)

**working out and playing sports. today i played volleyball. i have bruises all over my forearms. but it was worth it.

**my marriage. we are constantly learning and growing together. and we like each other.

**my counseling practice. the practice is growing and i'm growing as a therapist. nice combo.

What excites you these days?

oh how I love Dilbert

the ups and downs of getting fit

So I managed to keep my goal of exercising 4 days this week.

And as a reward it hurts every time I move.

I do have the sweet knowledge that I took on a team of girls ten years younger and in much better condition in a little two on two game of basketball yesterday and won.

Just wait till I'm in prime physical condition...

one intense job

Sometimes life in ministry is hard. And life being married to a minister can be hard. Yesterday I asked someone in ministry if he was taking care of himself. He told me how he is working out and eating and sleeping well. Good. Great. But I wanted to know if he was taking care of himself emotionally. And here is why I asked that question:

# 80 percent of pastors say they have insufficient time with spouse and that ministry has a negative effect on their family.
# 40 percent report a serious conflict with a parishioner once a month.
# 33 percent say that being in ministry is an outright hazard to their family.
# 75 percent report they’ve had a significant stress-related crisis at least once in their ministry.
# 58 percent of pastors indicate that their spouse needs to work either part time or full time to supplement the family income.
# 56 percent of pastors’ wives say they have no close friends.
# 45 percent of pastors’ wives say the greatest danger to them and family is physical, emotional, mental and spiritual burnout.
# 21 percent of pastors’ wives want more privacy.
# Pastors who work fewer than 50 hours a week are 35 percent more likely to be terminated.
# 40 percent of pastors considered leaving the pastorate in the past three months.
(Source: "Pastors At Greater Risk" by H.B London Jr. and Neil Wiseman, Regal Books, 2003 *Thanks to Sermonator and Floatingaxhead.com for making me aware of the above stats!)

What do you think of the above stats??

EXERCISE.

One of the good things that occurred on my vacation is that I exercised for fun. (I mean, most people don't dread long walks on the beach.) Now that I am home I've decided to set a new goal of exercising 4 days a week for at least a half an hour. My schedule's been a little crazy and it's been hard to figure out when to put the exercising thing.
But I actually LIKE to exercise.
-My body feels great.
-My mood lifts.
-My face feels glowy.
-I sleep better.
-It's all good.
-And I recommend that ALL my clients exercise in some way regularly as it greatly helps with mood, energy, stress... so I'm a big hypocrite when I don't.

The problem is that apparently I like to sit around and do other things rather than exercise. You know, maybe blog. Whenever I start a new exercise regiment it usually lasts for a few months and then ends. Big Bummer. So my plan is to push on through that boredom and stick with the exercise. Here's the deal: I give you permission to harass, I mean encourage, me in my exercise journey.

Let's start here: What strategies do you employ to help you stick with regular exercise?

We are home. Back to life. Back to Reality. But in a good way. We went to a lot of state parks and beaches while in Florida and that was a ton of fun. and we went on long walks on the beach. oh glory.
So here's where Florida is different from California:


um. Ya. This is a pic of what we wanted to be an alligator.


But it turned out to just be a log. Oh well. But we did find this cool fish carcass.


and tons of washed up jelly fish that I forgot to take pictures of. Oh well.
And swamp land


Right next to beach land


Sweet.