thoughts on boundaries

I have been thinking about boundaries this week.

Basically, healthy boundaries help you say yes to the good in life and no to the bad.

I joke with folks that I am in recovery from people pleasing and I still sometimes have a relapse. What I mean is that I use to have a habit to always say yes when someone would ask for me to participate in something....

yes, I will do that for you
yes, I will be in your group
yes, I will volunteer for your event
yes, I will work that extra shift
yes, I will cancel my plans for you
yes, yes, yes...

The problem was, because I always said yes to others I often said no to things that were important to my well being. I ended up worn out, burned out, and often felt used.

But the problem was not the people asking for my help. Nope. The problem was that I was so concerned with trying to please everyone (by saying yes) that I rarely said no.

I not only wanted to make people happy, I wanted them to like me, and I didn't want to miss out on any of the fun they might be having if I said no!

[As I have mentioned previously, I like to have fun.]

It has taken me quite a while to learn to say no to folks. And the more I practice at it, the easier it is. Sometimes I feel like I'm disappointing people, and sometimes I am, but more often it frees me up to do the things that are my true priorities in life.

I am more able to take care of myself, nurture my marriage, and use my resources in areas and ministries that I feel called to and gifted in.

Now, I know I'm not the only one who has ever had this problem.

[Especially women in our society have this notion that we have to give to everybody and everything.]

If you can relate to my story it might be worthwhile to check out some things on setting healthy boundaries:

Boundaries is a famously popular book on the subject that can get you started.

If you feel you need more support, there are support groups dealing with boundaries or you may find that a counselor can help you work on this area.



It is definitely worth the work to develop healthy boundaries, for while I have an occasional relapse of feeling responsible for everyone's happiness, I have found such freedom in being able to say no when needed, and yes to what I really want my life to be about!