yea! small groups!

Those who know me well know I love small groups. I run small groups professionally. I like to hang out in small groups. and I like to be member of small groups. There is something so sweet about a group of folks getting together to get real.

Well, I am considering taking on a greater role with the small groups for Matthew's Table.

On the one hand this really excites me. (Maybe I am finding a place where I fit in ministry!) On the other side I realize that there is so much more I need to learn about running groups and especially training others to run groups!

So here is my question for the day/week: If you have been a part of a small group what made it a good or bad experience for you?

Thanks for the help :)

porn story

I stumbled upon this while visiting Jeff's blog.
The mom in this pic is an ex porn star and
has an amazing story to tell. To read it click
here.

healthy small groups

Last night was my first young adult girl's small group. Wow. We had about 8 young women in my house discussing real life - ups and downs. I am getting more and more passionate and excited about small groups lately (maybe even more than blogging - that's a BIG wow:) One of the main things we did last night in small group was decide what makes a small group healthy. I know that I have been in a few groups that were a little sick and it wasn't so great for growth. These are some of the things we decided were traits of a healthy group:

1. There is no gossiping about members among themselves or to other people. Gossiping includes talking about sensitive issues even when it's under the guise of a "prayer request."

2. When one person gets hurt or offended by someone in the group they talk to the person about it one on one and give a chance for reconciliation. If that doesn't work the person asks the group for help.

3. If a member makes a commitment to attend the group but then is completely MIA a member of the group will call them to see what's up and make sure they are okay.

4. When a group member reveals something they are struggling with other members don't jump in to tell the hurting member what they should do - unless they ask for input. We trust that God will do leading in people's hearts and realize that sometimes a member just needs someone to listen and care.

5. Group members are allowed to be in different stages spiritually without judgment from other group members. (Remember how bad Job felt when all his friends thought he was full of sin because of hard times?)

6. Snacks are optional. ;) j/k

Those were some of our thoughts on healthy groups. Anyone have a trait they want to add?

Insomnia

I am not sure if it was the emotional meeting at church, the fact that I had to speak for the Kiwanis this morning about my work with teen moms, or some crazy hormonal thing, but I did not sleep last night.

Instead I lounged awake in bed thinking, doing relaxation exercises, imagery exercises, trying to not think. Then I read much of 1 Chronicles and all of Philippians. Then I read the current TIME magazine. Then I tried more relaxation exercises before nodding off around 7am. It was a looooong night. I think that for whatever reason some nights are like that. No sleep and nothing one can do about it. All the therapy tricks in the world don't do a darn thing.

So, what do YOU do when you can't sleep?

serious non-verbal communication

repentance and forgiveness

Something BIG happened at my church tonight. The pastor apologized, repented, and asked for forgiveness for a sin he had committed. It takes an act of courage to be in Christian ministry and to be authentic and humble yourself before everyone! I sat in awe and sorrow listening to the pastor and wife speak out of their own grief.

But I found what happened next to be amazingly beautiful. The church offered forgiveness, grace, love, compassion, encouragement, faith, and restoration. Many of us wept not only out of sorrow but great joy at the love displayed and the grace freely given.

My heart cried with hope that this could be the opening of greater authenticity for the church... a kind of confession that opens the truth to safe people who hear your sin and offer compassion and restoration. Too many folks suffer silently and are eaten up by private sin when forgiveness and healing are possible. I know this personally. The greatest healing is found when one is able to be completely honest with another human being and feel understood, accepted, and loved. We counselors have known how healing this kind of relationship is through our work with clients. Still, too many church goers feel they have to "put on a good face" to be in church rather than being honest about their very human struggles. And ministers and leaders especially feel the weight of appearing to have it all together.

O God, may I learn not only how to forgive freely but also repent fully to others that love may abound!

Girl Meets God

When a friend of mine offered to lend me her copy of Girl Meets God she said I might like it - she said the author has an interesting way of talking about faith - it's "colorful."

Well, I found that Girl Meets God is written almost in a memoir/journal type way. I was first interested in the book because of it's Jewish influence. You see, the author Lauren Winner is different than most in her faith journey because she has had three major faith transitions. Lauren was raised reformed Jewish, which is interesting in and of itself because her father is Jewish and her mother was a non practicing Baptist. During her teen years Lauren was drawn deeper into the Jewish faith and in her first years of college she chose to convert to Orthodox Judaism…. which means that she began to practice the full law of the Old Testament (wow, that's a lot of dos and don'ts). Yet, an interesting thing happened for Lauren during college - she discovered Jesus. And this time she became Episcopalian. So, while some people never find one faith in a lifetime, Lauren made her third conversion of faith - chronicling the whole process in her book.

Still, Lauren's writing is not so much about simple transitions of faith. Instead, it is the story of a woman who is seeking something higher and more wonderful than herself. Lauren is seeking God. And the best thing about Lauren seeking God is that she writes about it in a disarming - here are my stinky armpits - kind of way. For those of us tired of all the "holier than thou" types, Lauren's writing breathes authenticity. She tells of the ups and downs she has had in faith, but she manages to convey how sincerely she is striving to really know God and love Him. And the bonus for those of us (me!) super interested in the Jewish backgrounds of our faith is that she weaves her story over a year of liturgy explaining different aspects of Judaism as it relates to her newfound Christianity. Insightful and cool.

All in all, I highly recommend the book. It's easy to read, entertaining, and educational. Get it here.

easy learning

One of the best things I have done for myself lately is what I call "easy learning." I love to learn, but like so many folks, I find myself exhausted at night and not really looking forward to reading and researching after working all day. So I have found a great solution: audio learning. What I do is pop a CD into the player in my car and as I zoom around town I find I am learning lots of amazing things!

I have been listening to speakers from conferences as well as interviews with wise people during my daily learning sessions. The current series I am listening to is a series called "Pastor to Pastor" and I LOVE it! (I hardily recommend it to anyone in Christian ministry.) But whatever your profession or interest technology is ready to meet your need. You can find audio books or talks at your local library, from other friends in the know, or for free download on the internet (if you are new to these things you can get itunes and do a search for what you're looking for).

Let me know if you've encountered any easy learning that you think I should check out...

wanna know how to love me?

Mark Twain once said “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” Simple statements, such as, “You look great in that suit,” or “You must be the best baker in the world! I love your oatmeal cookies,” are sometimes all a person needs to hear to feel loved.

Aside from verbal compliments, another way to communicate is to offer encouragement. Here are some examples: reinforcing a difficult decision; calling attention to progress made on a current project; acknowledging a person’s unique perspective on an important topic. Offering encouragement will help him or her to overcome insecurities and develop greater confidence. (from the site http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/)

Love Languages

As a marriage and family therapist I feel somewhat obligated to put some therapeutic material on this blog titled “therapy.” And today it is an easy obligation to meet because Jeff and I went to a Gary Chapman seminar tonight. We went hoping to get a few good nuggets out of the seminar and came away impressed with how funny, insightful, and practical Chapman’s information on relationships truly is. If you have not heard Chapman speak it would be well worth your time and money to check out one of his seminars.

After the talk we went for a long walk and discussed each of our love languages and also each of our apology languages (it’s a new book Chapman has out) and decided to work on showing love and forgiveness in a way each of us will understand best. It was a great time of marriage enrichment! (-I love you Jeff) The material presented in both books can have an immense impact on your relationships with both spouse and especially children and I plan on using much of the material with some families I am currently counseling. For more information on the books and seminars check out these sites: http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/ or http://www.garychapman.org/

time for some fun

Since I was doing all that talking about nakedness and the garden earlier...

a woman in ministry?

Margaret Feinberg, Christian author and speaker, has been blogging lately about women in ministry. It's a topic I haven't thought of in a while. During my college days at Moody Bible Institute the issue of women in ministry was largely on my mind. After all, I was in a conservative evangelical Bible school majoring in Bible Theology and the question of the day was, "What am I going to do with my life?"

At the time everything in my soul wanted to be in ministry. I wanted to spend my life encouraging, speaking to, counseling, and loving people. I wanted to shepherd and pastor. Yet, I was unsure how to reconcile the above with being a woman. Thus, I spent many days and nights thinking about, discussing, and researching women in ministry. At the time I skirted the issue by focusing my efforts on women in ministry (and I still have a real passion for working with women.) I felt that dealing with the contempt of certain folks who believed very strongly in the issue just wasn't worth it.

I entered seminary with the intent on studying and training to be a pastor to women. But somewhere along the road the idea of being in ministry with all the pain and difficulty of dealing with the not-so-pretty side of the church became not so intriguing. I was disillusioned with formal ministry and so once again I skirted the issue by going into counseling. Counseling seemed like a very safe choice at the time.

Still, the last two years as I have been counseling and assisting my husband in his ministry (Matthew's Table - check it out here) I have realized that in the deeper parts of my heart there lies a remnant of the old desires and dreams- to be in ministry encouraging, speaking to, counseling, and loving people. And so I have wondered if at some point God is going to put the above all together for me. I wonder if my training up to this time will somehow connect and the puzzle pieces will fit together so that I will be in full time ministry as I had originally hoped. At the age of 30 I am now much less interested in skirting issues and avoiding conflict and much more interested in seeking whatever God can use me for.

and so the journey begins.

the psychology of happiness

Today I got home early from work and while lounging reviewing blogs I decided to check out a pop culture icon - Oprah. Now, I don't have cable or satellite so it was a little fuzzy, but I found the topic intriguing... a whole hour show on the topic of Happiness. Oprah interviewed Dr. Robert Holden who is a specialist in the psychology of happiness and while I didn't pay toooo close attention, a few things really caught my interest.

First, Dr. Holden noted that those who declare themselves to be most happy find happiness not from circumstances but from something inside themselves and from how they view the world. Really it is not that different from what the apostle Paul has been saying for centuries about joy. He was in prison, persecuted, isolated from those he loved and wrote a big long letter all about joy and contentment being found in intimacy with our creator.

Second, Dr. Holden noted that those who declare themselves happiest live in the NOW and don't wait for some future destination. This one really made me think. It's not a new idea to me. Jesus himself said not to worry about the future. Still, so often we live our lives waiting for the next thing - getting our finances fully in order, perfecting that relationship, the new job, the established ministry, the greater spiritual maturity, having kids, getting kids off to college, grandkids. You get the picture. Many days I find myself thinking, "When I get my practice fully established THEN things will be great." Or even "When we have six months worth of savings THEN I will feel secure." But in reality this kind of thinking, while it propels us forward, is really crazy. Because we all know there will always be the next destination to reach never really allowing us to enjoy this destination - the current place in our lives. Instead, I want to be thankful for what God is doing in my life right now.

So although I don't usually get a chance to watch Oprah, I found this episode worthy of her pop icon status. To check out more from the episode check out oprah.com or click here.

too funny to pass up!!

I found this amazingly funny cartoon over at ragamuffin soul which is a great blog... anyone else finding this to be sooo true? :)

doggie

Because I know everyone was dying to see a pic of Francine...

naked and ashamed

Last night after creating this blog in a "I'm way too tired to think sane" moment I decided to e-mail a bunch of folks and ask them to check out my new blog. wow! People warn you about drunk dialing but forget to caution exhausted e-mailing.

It was a really big leap to go from total anonymity to full frontal nudity in a matter of minutes (for those of you worried about your covenant eyes...metaphorically speaking, of course!) Although my first post was rather bland I lay wide eyed in bed thinking about my future blogs. What if one of my clients finds this blog and knows all my crazies? What if some stalker discovers my blog and decides he/she MUST begin stalking me? What if I want to talk about something I am feeling and it offends someone? What if I am honest and people think less of me? What if I want to be authentic about my past pains and it hurts someone? and What if I choose to bare myself completely only to find that when people get to know the real me they find they just don't like me at all?

I know. That's a lot of What ifs... and being a therapist and all I know that What ifs are not always that helpful. Still, I felt afraid of disappointing others in my openness. And I still do feel a little afraid. It reminds me of that age old problem from the garden - I need some fig leaves for I am not naked and unashamed.

naked

After 4 years of blogging anonymously I have decided it's time to go public. The reason I am going public after all these years is mainly because I have been inspired by other amazing authors and bloggers. I am surprised, humbled, and awed when I realize how many other folks are ready to become vulnerable with the world via the internet. I have realized my privacy is only holding me back.

Well, and I also realize that true authenticity and openness brings a quality of life and healing that is hard to find elsewhere.

So, bear with me as I bare myself.

About Me

Thanks for stopping by my blog.

Probably most important to this blog is the fact that I'm a Marriage and Family Therapist. Growing up I never imagined that I would end up a counselor (I was thinking more along the lines of being a stage star). But I've always been very interested in relationships and communication so it fits and I really enjoy it.

Currently I have a private counseling practice in Dalton, Georgia. If you would like more information on my counseling you can visit FamilyandFriendsCounseling.com.

I've been married to a man I love for 7 years. We met in college in Chicago, dated a little, and then went our separate ways. We met again a year later in grad school north of Boston. I'm really glad we met again.

Other random stuff.... I grew up in Southern California. My family lives far away and I miss them. I'm still best friends with a girl I met the first day of 7th grade. I have a dog that I call crazy nicknames but most folks know her as Francine. I can get a little feisty about women's issues, gender stereotypes, and the myers briggs (I'm an ENFP).

If you would like to contact me feel free to e-mail me at JoyleneGreen at gmail.com.